Jane and Nik's Big Rant

Pizza Express

2009-08-13T22:08:00.005+01:00

How hard can it be to respond to a complaint? All you need to do is feign interest and sympathy, offer money (or at least free services) and you have a happy customer.

Not so, Pizza Express. Following a trip to their Gun Wharf branch last week (which was poor by their standards) I used their online feedback for to inform them that:

1) The corridor out the back (to the toilets) was so jammed with high chairs and a table it was diffiult to get through
2) The ladies smelt bad
3) The food was not up to the usual standard (pizzas burnt on the outside and soggy in the middle)

To be fair they tried to ring a few days ago, but I couldn't take the call and they never phoned back. Yesterday I got the following e-mail (line breaks are theirs not mine!):

-------------------------------------------
Good morning Nicola,

I am sorry to hear your visit to Pizza Express, Gun Wharf Quays was a
disappointing experience for you, the corridor to the toilets at present is
a little cluttered. due to the branch now storing a new type of high chair,
are old high chairs used to be stored a lot easier as we could hang them
up, but unfortunately we had a an incident where a child slipped out of one
of these chairs, which was a cause for concern so we had to look into getting
the upright highchairs. Alternative storage is being looked into.

With regards to the cleanliness of the ladies toilets, we do have a regular toilets
checks and it is down to the manager on duty to ensure this is being done at all times,
obviously on your visit this was not the case and I can only apologise to you and ensure
you that this is not usually the case.

I see as well from your visit that our food quality was below the standard to which you would
normally expect when visiting us here at Pizza Express, with pizzas being served to you
below the standard we strive to achieve here at Gun Wharf Quays, I am in no doubt that your
visit to us here was unexeceptable and would therefore like to invite you for a complementary meal so that we can restore your faith in our branch, If you would like to take us up on our offer
please to do not hesitate to call myself or Steve Hammond branch manager to make a reservation on 02392 832 939

Your sincerely

Francis Cosgrove
Deputy Manager

-------------------------------------------

Punctuation, spelling, English, proof reading it would seem are not pre-requisits for employment as a "Deputy Manager" - I shall respond ....

"Slack" - Donalds

2009-07-05T22:10:00.006+01:00

What is it about McDonald's? It must be SO easy (and they have had years of practice) to produce rubbish food of no nutritional value in no time at all - and yet still, if you have the misfortune to go, they are poorly run, with teenagers behind the counter unable to string a sentence together, always having the effect of making you wish (at exactly about 10 seconds after entering) that the universe would implode and end it all for everyone.

This week I have visited a local McDonald's, in the role of generous and cool "Aunt"(!) only to find that:

1) half the restaurant wasn't air conditioned (just happened to be the half where the queue and food was) - on the hottest day of the year (only about 32c)
2) only 1 trainee was serving - so he was slow and the queue was long
3) said trainee really didn't get it - seemed to be struggling with the concept of ordering food and then going to collect it for someone, put it on a tray and give it to them - it is tricky. Certainly he couldn't cope with putting ice in drinks or pushing the right buttons on the till
4) half way through the queue, more staff arrived - hurrah? - no, a physically challenged one and another trainee ...
5) after getting the food (eventually) and sending it back because it was wrong (it was always going to be) ice cream was called for - back to the (hot) queue, this time to be served by the very slow woman with the limp (normally I wouldn't be bothered by any sort of physical impairment - however, in this instance, it impeded her ability to perform, so I was bothered)
6) ordered 2 ice creams from the woman (with flakes) - she disappeared round the corner and re-appeared, after a time, with said ice creams. She put them on the tray by the till and went to get the flakes (behind her). Disaster struck when the flake box was empty - turning to me she said "just popping to get some more flakes" - never were words less true - she limped off round the back of the restaurant at a pace that would have put a snail to shame (a la Julie Walters' waitress in Victoria Wood's "Two Soups") - as she turns to disappear all I can see is the ice cream, sat next to the till, melting ...
7) after some (not inconsiderable) time she limped back with a new box of flakes. She started to open them but, before completing the task, I ask for new (unmelted) ice creams - after some eye rolling she shuffled off again (slowly) and reappeared with 2 more - this time however, she has obviously had an argument with the ice cream machine and both are decidedly lop sided. She reached for the flakes and, on opening the box, it is clear that they have been sat out the back in the heat so, the minute she picked them up (with tongs I might add - they are very hygienic in McDonald's) they disintegrated into a million pieces on impact. Rather than entering into any sort of dialogue about whether or not the flakes are still required, she stuffs them (very ungainly) into the ice creams and hopes for the best. By this point, my will to live is being tested and there is little point in debating the merits of the flakes at this stage - I grab the ice creams and run ....

Perhaps it's just the heat that brings out the worst in these situations but my advice to you all is, if you get the chance to go to McDonalds (and you are not being emotionally blackmailed by a 5 year old) then don't!

Institutional Sexism

2009-06-28T20:41:00.005+01:00

It seems that, now Wimbledon is upon us again and we have all renewed our interest in "the tennis", that the BBC have forgotten how to behave.

This week, they have considered it amusing to compare the women players to birds (in a mock up of Springwatch - cunningly entitled "Gruntwatch"). On day 2 of their coverage, they opened their highlights show with the following quote:

"Welcome to Wimbledon, home to a vast array of birdlife, we waited and waited and suddenly we saw her, the Sharipova, elegant plumage and a truly distinctive sound ..."

Moving on to covering Sharipova's match, the programme continued, after mentioning an injury, to discuss which of the players was more fashionable - John Inverdale said "...there was divided opinion about whether or no t she [Sharipova] was more glamorous than her opponent ..."

It seems that now tennis for the women is about "birdwatching", obsessing over the un-ladylike noises made by the female players and debating their glamouress-ness.

It's 2009 and someone at the BBC thinks this is acceptable - it is not.

For the first time ever, I have complained to the BBC ...

Old Men and Personal Space

2009-06-03T20:57:00.003+01:00

What is it about old men and their complete disregard for personal space?

It is particularly bad if they are out on their own, or in the company of another man. They seem to have no regard for the fact that other people who are out and about (and going about their own business) are not interested in them, do not want to talk to them, do not want to hear them coughing/sneezing/blowing their nose and especially couldn't care less about any ailments they may have.

Anyone else had their space invaded lately?

White Trousers

2009-06-03T20:42:00.002+01:00

The weather has a lot to do with all our behaviour. Last week it was rain and this week, lots of sun.

People do very strange things when the sun comes out for the first time. The most bizarre of these is the startlingly large number of women who don a pair of white trousers and wear them to every occasion they can think possible.

The trouble is that - white trousers just don't look good in any shape or form. They are totally unforgiving, whatever your shape or size and they will simply accentuate all the bad bits. And, unless you are going commando, the whole world will be privvy to you underwear choices.

It is important to remember that, no matter how sunny it is, white trousers can never be justified.

Umbrella Idiots

2009-05-28T22:58:00.004+01:00

Yesterday it rained.

It rains a lot in this country - we should be able to cope. But we can't. What happens the minute a mere drizzle appears from the skies ...?

EVERYONE reaches for their umbrella.

In common with everything else, the last decade has seen the "super sizing" of umbrellas and all are now so larger that they could sheild a small village from a thunder storm. The effect of this is that umbrella etiquette is not observed and all umbrella carrying people turn into the sort of anti social idiots they would normally abhor. It seems the umbrella carries with it a "cloak of rudeness" into which people are enveloped the minute they stand under one.

As an "Umbrella Idiot" it seems likely that you will:

1. Pay no regard for where you are going - the umbrella means you can now walk on and off the pavement without looking - you are now protected
2. Randomly poke complete strangers in the eye (or other parts of the anatomy) without feeling the need to apologise or moderate your behaviour - GBH charges, it seems, do not apply
3. Soak as many people as you can with the run off from your umbrella - because the surface area of your brolley is now the size of a small country, you can happily cascade waterfall like amounts of rain onto passers by
4. Play "umbrella chicken" with other umbrella carrying citizens happening on the same path as you. here is only enough room on the path for 1 person and their umbrella. Who will move first? Who will be beaten into lowering theirs out of the way? Or jumping into the path of on coming traffic to get out of the way?
5. Continue to use your umbrella as an offensive weapon despite the fact it has clearly stopped raining. Why put it down if you are still out? You have to carry it anyway, so better to carry it up than down.

Are you an "umbrella idiot"? Think about your actions and leave the umbrella at home - buy a waterproof coat with a hod!

Random E-Mails

2009-05-27T22:56:00.008+01:00

What is it about e-mails to "all" that make people write some random and, quite frankly, useless things. Here is a selection from just this week (specific details have been remove to protect the daft and, sadly, formatting has been lost) ...

1 - Urgent request for H&S posters to be updated - 2014 is is looming:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Health & Safety Update: New H&S Law Poster

As from 6 April 2009, the Health & Safety Executive (HSE) has published a new version of its approved health and safety law poster.

There is no requirement to immediately purchase and display a new H&S poster. Premises managers may, if they wish, continue to display their existing versions of the poster until 5 April 2014.

[contact information removed]

Regards
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

2 - Urgent notice to all of those who cycle to work (this is about 0.0005% of the workforce). I'm still not sure exactly which cycle racks are no longer available:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Cycle Users

NOTICE TO CYCLE USERS TEMPORARY SUSPENSION OF CYCLE RACKS

PLEASE NOTE: EFFECTIVE FROM THE 8TH May 2009, THIS CYCLE RACK WILL BE TEMPOARARILLY SUSPENDED, TO MAKE SPACE FOR TEMPORARY CHILLERS WHICH ARE REQUIRED TO COMPLETE ESSENTIAL WORKS WITIN THE COMPUTER SUITE.

ALTERNATIVE RACKS ARE AVAILABLE TO THE REAR OF [name removed] AND ON THE CORNER OF [name removed] AND [name removed].

[name removed] WOULD LIKE TO APPOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONVIEMENCE CAUSESD, THE CYCLE RACKS WILL BE RETURNED TO NORMAL USE AS SOON AS PRACTICABLE.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

3 - I'm still not entirely sure what this actually means:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Road closure signs

Hi

With regards to the signs indicating that the High Street would be closed for a week commencing 7th June, this is a mistake.

I have spoken to the engineer arranging these works and they will only be taking place on the 7th and will only effect traffic coming up the hill.

This means that [name removed] and all of it's car parks will still be accessible. If you have any questions then please ask.

Regards
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

This sort of dross is filling up our in-trays ....

Spudoolickay

2009-05-25T23:47:00.004+01:00

"Spud-U-Like" - what's that all about then? In an effort to get a healthy (well, healthier) snack this weekend, I made the mistake of trying out a Spud-U-Like in London. Basically, this chain is selling baked potatoes, with a (small) selection of fillings - how hard can it be to get that right?

There's no burgers to cook, buns to heat, chips to fry, chicken to scald in "secret recipe" batter - in fact there is nothing complicated about it at all - so why is that a simple baked potato with tuna mayo is so hard to get right?

I was presented with what looked like, on the face of it, a fairly simple (but satisfying) meal. I was wrong. The potato was so hot it had obviously recently been incinerated at the local nuclear plant, its skin would not have looked out of place on the back of a camel, the mayonnaise was so watery I'm not quite sure how it was clinging on to the tuna, which was so bland and oily it just slipped off the fork...

Ah yes, then there was the cutlery - a rather putrid green colour, possibly plastic, possibly not, not ever designed to grapple with the leathery hide or scoop anything (let along potato) out of anywhere.

Combine all of that with a seating area that clearly had not seen a cleaner for many a month and clientele for whom the concept of 'personal space' was non-existent and you get a totally unpleasant (although fairly cheap) dining experience.

Belts

2009-05-23T22:18:00.004+01:00

Now, don't get me wrong - I like belts as much as the next person (I even own a few) but .... they have to serve a function and should not, under any circumstances be purely a fashion accessory.

Belts were designed with one thing in mind - to hold up trousers. Gradually, over the years, they have been styled - to match an outfit or add a certain something to the overall ambiance of a look - however, they remain, as ever, purposeful.

So ... what makes women thing that wearing a belt (any kind; thin, thick, plain, patterned, leather, plastic, black, white, red etc.) over a shirt, or a dress, will look good? It doesn't. It looks pointless and ridiculous. Plus, if you are thin, it makes you look skinnier and lankier - if you are fat it simply serves to accentuate the flab. Don't do it.

If you can't put the belt through a belt loop (on either trousers or a skirt) then leave it at home.

Train etiquette

2009-05-20T08:26:00.003+01:00

So you get yourself organised in the morning, buy your train ticket and wait for the train to come along like most of the others at the station.

Why is it then that when the guard comes through the train to check tickets are there always one or two people in every carriage that THEN decide to buy a ticket from the guard? Why didnt they buy a ticket before getting on the train. If they couldnt do that why didnt they seek out the guard when the got on the train instead of waiting for him to come to them?

I'll tell you why. Because its cheating!!

How hard is it to enforce the policies that are advertised at all of the stations? You get an automatic fine if at the point that your ticket is checked (and you have just sat there when you got on the train) you haven't got one. £50 plus the cost of the ticket.

And whilst we are here, people that leave bags on the seat next to them in an attempt to try to stop anyone sitting there should also be thrown off of the train. Especially when those people then proceed to sit there and read the bible as one of my fellow passengers does. Outrageous.

Loose Chippings

2009-05-19T22:43:00.006+01:00

Why oh why do people think that just throwing down a bag of stones they've bought at their local B&Q constitutes laying a new drive?

Under no circumstance do loose stones, bolders, rocks or gravel make a good surface for anything - be it for the garden path or on the driveway. Here are my top 3 reasons why not:

The local cats WILL treat it is their own personal cat litter
The stones NEVER stay put - before long you get "driveway/path creep" and what was, at one point, a small collection of well penned in stones, becomes a sea of sharp pebbles edging ever further away from their point of origin, ready to embed themselves into your car's tyres or fly up and chip its windscreen at the earliest opportunity.
It looks RUBBISH - small stones (or "pea gravel" as the professionals call it) just give a random, dull mottled effect, letting you know that no one put any effort what-so-ever in to sprinkling them - large stones just make your garden or drive look like Chessel Beach; without the stunning scenery or crashing waves

"How hard can it be?" - think about the impact of your stones and leave them at the DIY store - get in the professionals and lay TARMAC!

Ice and a Slice?

2009-05-18T16:09:00.004+01:00

It's the end of a nice evening, you've had a great curry and you don't want the sparkling conversation to end, so you pop into the pub for a quick drink before closing.

They're aren't enough staff because it's a Saturday night and the pub has given most of the staff the evening off - Saturday is never busy so better to save the staff for Monday and Tuesday nights. So you wait ... and wait ...

Finally the bar man (that should probably be "bar boy") arrives and asks if you are being served (clearly not). You ask for 3 diet cokes and a pint of lager. Not an especially complicated order, but it is gone 10:30

He asks "ice and lemon" (lemon specifically) with the coke - you nod (not really caring, but just wanting a drink before the closing time or for the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse to come riding up). He manages the ice (just - some ends up on the floor) and then stares at the chopping board. It has sliced lime and oranges on it. Not a lemon in site.

He stares a bit more...

Then he turns and says "would it be OK with lime or orange instead, there's no lemon" - you sigh and say you'll just have the ice. He then pours 3 regular cokes (it's been so long now he's forgotten what you asked for) and you take a deep breath ...

"How hard can it be?" - there's clearly been no lemon all evening - why make a point of asking about the lemon specifically? Why are all the staff absent? Why is it so hard to remember 2 drinks in the 10 seconds between taking the order and pouring the drink? Why, why, why?

First Post

2009-05-18T15:22:00.005+01:00

Welcome to Jane and Nik's Big Rant blog. Inspired by the mediocrity of the modern world and, in particular, the unbelievably crap service almost every institution, business and organisation has to offer.